Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I'm sorry I don't shoot heroine

Mini rant of the day.
This blog may contain bad words. I don't want to offend. Run away now.
You have been warned.

I'm sorry I don't shoot heroine and my black friends and family love me.

So let me get this straight?  One bird anus "friend" limits visits via "real life"....OK, the quoting is annoying even me...anyhoo, they limit their real life visits with me because I don't rock black tar heroine and chain smoke enough crack to kill a Silverback.  Apparently the lack of crack smoking bumped me down a notch on the friend chain. Go me.  I just wonder why people don't have balls enough to say, "Ya know, tonight is actually my night to stay in and masturbate with Jeopardy and country music in the background" or in their case, "Tonight at heroine'o'clock, I have a wax and dye job pre heroine thirty." rather than come up with a thousand excuses not to have a real life visit. The only real life visit I get is one out of pity since I am heroineless as well as crackless, they opted to pay me a pity visit before scurrying off to Meth central for a couple fixes.  Its OK. I have broad shoulders. Just speak up when you'd rather not visit. I know you're far too busy masturbating to Craig's list ads and whatnot.  Its not that hard to be honest. I once told a friend of mine, the mister and I would visit but not sleep in their home because I assumed the loud angry jack rabbit sex might offend as well as frighten their children.  They weren't too happy about it but at least I was honest.  My gay baby daddy will tell me when he's just not in the mood for my shenanigans. No one else has the balls to say such a thing.

"friend" number 2:
Date day. No call, no show, no text, no facebook, not even enough balls to tell me how the rare Persian elephant ran over their car with the train of baskets after Puff the Magic Dragon slipped Falcor the red pill on the way to meet me. Nothing.  I called. I wrote. I text. Still nothing in return. Some time later, Skankzilla, who shall remain nameless told me he didn't have a cell phone...precisely from Date day until present.  I think Skankzilla forgot that he tweeted, twatted, uploaded photos ("Look at my baby and my alien-like anorexic spouse i keep locked in the basement only to be let out once a year for goat feed), videos, status messages, addresses, etc via their cell phone.  *gasp* I thought you were cell phone-less?  Mhmm. Just go with the Persian elephant story.  To top the icing of this rotten apple, my best friend of almost 20 years is...*GASP* BLACK! That's right. So while "friend" number 2 blew up my phone today with the whole "I was cell phoneless all this time, he opted for a few N bombs and to tell me his oh-so-wise reason that I shouldn't befriend >__________< ....as well as how "ghetto" this and that are and other racist comments we won't discuss here..all because he sees my Bff and I post things regularly via social sites.  Really? I mean really?  Umm buh-bye asshole.

Guess I don't really know how to choose 'friends'. Well, that's a lie because I did, however, know how to choose these two fabulous ladies right here :)

Neapolitan Baby


*The sex/character in story number two has been changed to protect the cockstick in this message; because after all, I won't be a total asshole like you*

This is where my expectations in people I've known for most of my life fail. Hard.


  1. I enjoyed the rant and the belly laughs. But, please---can you tell me how you REALLY feel? Ha.

  2. I did not understand much, love problems? the story in general is fun!
    google does not translate well(swear words yes)
    :-))) my english is scholastic:-((

  3. I don't understand why it's so hard for people to be honest :(

  4. YES! The return of the jackrabbit sex reference. You just made my day. :) I love when you rant. <3

  5. Thanks guys. I don't know why its so hard for people to be honest either.

    Franz, just friend troubles :) And your English is great!

    Aw yea, Jen! Jack rabbit sex. <3

  6. To be honest, I would have commented sooner, but your blog inspired me to skip being intimate with my wife and engage in a jack rabbit masturbation session to the episode of "The Weakest Link" in which I lost to a part-time martial arts instructor / exotic dancer in 2002.

    Anyway... I'm Black, I don't do Crack or Heroin and I always take time to read your blog. I'm a big fan. I hope this doesn't ruin any of your other friendships.

    P.S. - You can view highlights of my Weakest Link appearance on my blog (click the "My Gameshow" link at the top). The Kung Fu Stripper is named Krissy. I'm the token Black guy in the ugly shirt.

    Keep up the great writing!


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